Sunday, December 18, 2016

New Year's Resolutions

I was so inspired by Benjamin Franklin's list of New Year's Resolutions, I decided to make my own, under the same categories. Here I have followed his virtuous resolutions with my own.

1.) Temperance
Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.

Practice self-control by habitually standing outside a kebab restaurant, staring at the revolving hunk of lamb, and repeating under your breath, “I’m a vegetarian, I’m a vegetarian, I’m a vegetarian.”

2.) Silence
Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.

Convince yourself that you’re a dog without any command of speech. Therefore, “extra sour cream” and “extra guacamole” would be better left unsaid, because all that would come out of your mouth is, “Woof! Woof! Woof!”

3.) Order
Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.

The fancy rowing machine you are considering adding to your living room furniture would be great for throwing your clothes on after you remove them from the dryer, but maybe try folding your clothes and putting them in the closet. Just a thought.

4.) Resolution
Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

Resolve to rescue as many stray cats off the street as possible. Then you can be a crazy cat lady.

5.) Frugality
Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself, i.e., waste nothing.

Do you really need a Batman flask? Really? How about a Batman garter to hide the Batman flask under your Batman dress? Earth to Meriwether. You don’t even like Batman.

6.) Industry
Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.

Strive to finish your work before you go to bed so you don’t sleepwalk around your apartment and wake up sitting at your desk, wondering how you got there.

7.) Sincerity
Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.

Tell all your friends exactly what you’re thinking, even if it leaves you with no friends.

8.) Justice
Wrong none by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

Steal from the rich, and if poor, keep it all.

9.) Moderation
Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

Do you really need a chocolate fountain?

10.) Cleanliness
Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, clothes, or habitation.

Don’t announce to your co-workers how many days it’s been since you last showered, as if it’s some kind of badge of honor. Just keep that information to yourself.

11.) Tranquility
Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.

Do not be bothered by mansplainers.

12.) Chastity
Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation.

Just be yourself.

13.) Humility
Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Imitate Jesus until someone tells you that you have a “Jesus complex,” which is the opposite of humility. Your imitation of your racist uncle is much funnier anyway.

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