How Will She React?

This week on “How Will She React?” (a made-up show; don’t look for it on your cable listings), an American contestant named Meriwether is offended by a boorish Brit, who informs her that England is superior to America and, in fact, all other countries in the world.

The Brit boasts that the British Empire was the greatest ever, because the Brits graciously took on the burden of educating ignorant brown people, and thanks to their largesse, the world is a better place today. He recommends a long list of jingoistic movies so Meriwether can watch them and be convinced that the British Empire was a fine role model for upstarts, such as her own country. He supports his statement by telling that, while minding his own business in a bar last week, two men from India approached him and thanked him for the wonderful colonization that helped advance their nation. Beat that, you know-nothing Yank!

The show’s action freezes while an audience member is chosen to spin the big wheel on stage to answer the question: How will Meriwether react to this bloke?

Cast your vote now! Here are the options: “Stare tiredly into her beer glass while meekly mouthing the words, ‘Shut your pie hole,’” or “Mount a counter argument, supplying plenty of supporting facts.” But maybe, if it’s been a hormone-enhanced and rather difficult day out here in the desert, the arrow could point to “Fight the urge to cry and sniffle, ‘Why are you being so mean to me?’”

A woman from the audience bounds on stage and sets the wheel in motion. After several rotations and much nervous hand wringing from everyone in the audience, the arrow stops on “Mount a counter argument, supplying plenty of supporting facts.” Phew!

Meriwether argues that the English spread of civilization was often little more than the spread of syphilization. Many regions of the world remain as unstable as when the sun finally set on the British Empire.

. . . . . . But what’s this? The Brit does not admit defeat. There’s a twist in this week’s show. He reloads and turns to another contestant, a South African woman who is an animal lover. Now he is saying that rhino poaching is all right in his book. Hunting is fun and besides, zoos will keep rhinos from going extinct. How will the South African animal lover react? Find out on next week’s episode of “How Will She React?”