I own several Barbies that are not keepsakes from childhood, but purchases I’ve made as an adult. I own President and Vice President Barbie, a Native-American Barbie, a glamorous vintage movie star Barbie, a disco black Barbie, and then there’s the one I find most relatable (at least on a physical level): a petite, curvy Barbie with wide fashionable boots to accommodate her large calves. I also own one Ken, purchased at a garage sale. When the lady running the sale offered to throw in Ken’s beach outfit in a little plastic sandwich bag for 50 cents, I was all on board. My point is, the Barbie movie should have been an easy sell for me. It should have been a no-brainer for me to enjoy this movie, just like throwing in Ken’s beach outfit. But my review of the movie is a little more complicated than a pair of miniature swim trunks and a Hawaiian shirt.
This movie is terrible. It has the depth of a cheap, flimsy sheet of fabric softener. And let me just say, I am allergic to fabric softener. Here is everything I hated about this film:
1.The jokes are shallow. I didn't laugh once. I just raised one quizzical eyebrow and furiously ate popcorn for the entirety of the movie. This is not to say the cast is completely hopeless. Rob Brydon has one line. Issa Rae plays President Barbie. But any potential humor from actually funny people is overshadowed by Will Farrell’s imperious, obnoxious, unimaginative character.
2.The storyline is awful. There is no conflict that compels me to care about Barbie’s journey in the slightest.
3.The brand of feminism represented makes it easy to point out flaws and alienate viewers. Feminism at its core is simple. Women’s rights are human rights. We should have agency over our bodies and our lives. A couple “jokes” suggest that women have zero power, that we can’t be CEOs or judges on the Supreme Court. By wasting time on these baseless grievances, the movie trivializes actual societal problems, such as sexual harassment and sex-based violence.
4.The movie is ageist and tries to appeal to viewers with mindless virtue signaling. In the real world, Barbie sits on a bench next to an elderly woman. Barbie says, “You’re beautiful,” and the elderly woman confidently agrees with her. This confident woman contradicts the claim that women in the real world are utterly crushed by the patriarchy. This scene has no purpose, other than to virtue signal that the movie is not ageist because Barbie is condescending to an elderly woman. Then there is the worst line of the entire movie. Rhea Perlman’s character tells Barbie, “We mothers stand still, so our daughters can look back to see how far they've come.” This is nauseating due to the sappy bad writing and the blatant ageism. No woman, no matter her age, should ever be expected to stand still, unless she is a street performer who paints herself some metallic color and pretends to be a statue, in which case, more power to her. This line also perpetuates the lie that progress is linear, when in fact, women of my mother’s generation had more rights when they were younger than women my age have today.
5.This movie is full of shallow stereotypes and contradictions. The whole vibe is confused. Barbie is disgusted by the sight of a birkenstock, yet she loves the Indigo Girls. “Closer to Fine” seems to be Barbie’s personal anthem, but why would Barbie swoon over the Indigo Girls’ down-to-earth music and be repelled by practical footwear? These two ideas seem incompatible to me. Lazy writing, if you ask me.
So there you have it. A movie based on a doll meant to spark children’s imaginations is the most thoroughly unimaginative movie I’ve seen in a long time. The characters have no personality, which the writers get away with by using the copout that the characters are dolls. Then there’s Will Farrell, who is just a boring cliche. It’s unfortunate that Greta Gerwig received more praise for this fungus-plagued toenail clipping than for her previous work, which was actually good. I guess that’s what happens when an artist appeals to the most shallow and simplicity-craving sensibilities of her audience.
I love simplicity. But when I want simplicity in my life, I’ll go for an easy knitting project and a cup of coffee. Anything would have been better than watching the Barbie movie.
