Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Hey Isis, Here's How To Celebrate an Anniversary

Dear Isis, 

I should be arriving in Portland, Oregon, right about now, but my flight was cancelled. It seems my travel plans clashed with the second anniversary of the declaration of the Islamic State Caliphate. I know a little bit about anniversaries from my brief stint as a hostess at an upscale restaurant. Here's how it works: Someone calls ahead to make a reservation. They always let the hostess know it's their anniversary; that puts them at the top of the list for a private booth. Then they show up looking snazzy and they sit in their romantic booth and enjoy a romantic meal and have a romantic conversation. At least I'm assuming their conversations are romantic. (I never eavesdropped.) That, Isis, is how an anniversary is supposed to work. Since it's Ramadan, you can make your reservation for after sundown. Have a nice iftar dinner, but keep your celebrations confined to your own private booth. Please. 

In fact, I know the perfect restaurant for you to celebrate your anniversary. In Kadikoy, there is a restaurant called Isis. It's actually named after the ancient Egyptian goddess, but you can pretend it's named after your group of hateful, deluded radicals.
Here's a picture of their menu. Be forewarned. They serve alcohol, but you can order a virgin drink. You like virgins, remember? Whatever you order, it will be much tastier than the mythological virgins you are promised in paradise. Oh, right, you need directions to the restaurant. I forgot, people like you need direction in life. This aptly named Isis restaurant is located on Bar Street. If you don't know where that is, just get off the ferry in Kadikoy and follow all the infidels looking to have a good time here on earth. You're going to have an amazing time. Trust me. 

If a private dinner at a restaurant and virgin drinks don't sound up your alley, I'll tell you what. You can celebrate with guns. But not the way you did last night. If you absolutely have to shoot a gun to feel some excitement in your life, go to some secluded area and shoot guns into the air. I read online that bullets come down with much lower velocity than they do when they are shot up, but they can still kill someone on the way down. Being killed by your own celebratory gunfire wouldn't be such a bad thing. So that's an option for you.  

The next step to celebrating a romantic anniversary is to read poetry. Read the poetry carefully and don't misinterpret it. When Rilke wrote "Flare up like a flame and make big shadows I can move in," he didn't mean, "Go blow yourself up." When he wrote, "Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going," he didn't mean, "Go out and terrorize everybody." If you need some recommendations, I'm personally a fan of Shakespeare's sonnets, even though they are works of idolatry, which I know you're against. I'll try to think of some more appropriate recommendations and get back to you.  

That's my advice for celebrating an anniversary in a civilized manner. Make a reservation so people know when to expect you. Celebrate privately. Enjoy a nice meal. Read poetry and please don't kill people. 


Meriwether Falk

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